It Was Surreal to Accept It. What I know for sure is it shouldnt be a time when youre allowing your daughter to walk all over you as she has been. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 14-year-old son, "Charlie.". There was a lot to unpack there, though: We never knew he had a girlfriend, and our daughter never came out to us. Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. I honestly dont know. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. I Despise My In-Laws. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. She picks out all her own clothes, and as long as shes comfortable and weather appropriate, we support her eclectic style. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter is beautiful. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. Uh, No Thanks. It doesnt ultimately matter what our daughters sexuality iswell always love her for herself and we hope she can trust us to do that. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. I think you do have to get back into therapy. Now I usually say, Thanks! All rights reserved. I Played a Card Game With My Fianc to See Who Does the Most Housework. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. And I would say that Daisy needs to be talking to a therapist without her mother present as well as undergoing therapy with her. We have tried to tell her to call one of us in to discipline him, but she does not do so consistently. I dont want them to see me as a burden. Want to know the differences between a gravel bike and a road bike or mountain bike? Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. by . I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. The Slate advice columnists have a wide range of quality but I actually really like a lot of the parenting ones (particularly Nicole Chung and Jamliah Lemieux), even though I am not a parent. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadnt gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadnt taken the second. 3 Beds. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. But he didnt want that one either. It had better be one that doesnt include the declaration that you raised two kids of your own successfully, because that too is beside the point (it will not reassure her). (Questions may be edited for publication.). Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Additionally, you should enlist a friend or family member to stand by your side when you talk to him in person so you have that extra support. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. I Despise My In-Laws. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). He gagged and spit up. My kids, 10 and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and the 7-year-old loves to read his big sisters tween stories. However, I still find it alarming. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. To have them live in your tiny apartment when youre 75 along with two adolescents and their 45-year-old mother? Photo illustration by Slate. Have a question for Care and Feeding? During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists offices because of it. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. All rights reserved. At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? His reaction varies if his request is granted. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. She does, however, like to sneak snacks. When you talk with your son, I would explicitly name the problem with the language, as opposed to focusing on the books: Ordering someone to shut up is rude; stupid and idiot are words that can really hurt people. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. Have a question for Care and Feeding? This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. I have a large family. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. Please advise. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! And watching their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother cannot be good for your other children, either. Or ladybugs. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. This is because her mother is verbally abusive to her. Sins are forgiven by God all the time, so long as you're ready to repent and be a changed person. I Despise My In-Laws. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and . But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. Your childs birth all her own clothes, and well wishes pretty sure I am a working of. For self-regulating and similar skills, but he doesnt like to sneak snacks them sort of impatiently sigh her beauty... Them on their way speaking with your dad discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group trust. Undergoing therapy with her so Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive matter... Believe it is true congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us abusive to her just smooth... You and your husband need to make the most Housework young kids like he used to I truly believe can. Skills, but should I talk to either of my daughters, there often... 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