There would be nothing to inherit, and if they wanted money then they should earn it for themselves. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. ""A tulip? Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. My mother, unimpressed, replied, Who wants to look 81years old?. The tenant shook her head. Poor old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. ! One lady says, You know, Im getting really forgetful. ", I knew that my husband's hearing had deteriorated after our friendnew to the city asked where he could meet some singles. Now youd really better write it down now. 14. "Maybe you'll go into overtime. They sure grow up fast, dont they?. (Closed), I Make Micro Crochet Toys That Fit In A Tiny Glass Bottle (35 Pics). Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.. No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. In wine or whiskey years, youre becoming more delicious. All rights reserved. Error occurred when generating embed. Why shouldnt you wear glasses as you get older? My husband cant activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids? When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Come now, my memorys not all that bad, said the husband. My buddy whispered, She makes me wish I was 30 years older. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. As you get older, dont bother eating healthy food; go for packaged junk. ". Woman Takes DNA Test For Fun Only To Discover Her Long-Term Boyfriend Is Her Full Sibling, Woman Flabbergasted At Thrift Store's Prices, Calls Them Out By Sharing 14 Examples, "I Just Said Thank You And Left": Mans Nice Gesture Is Praised After Pizza Hut Driver Got A $20 Tip On A $938 Order, 50 Times People Were So Surprised With How Perfectly Things Lined Up, They Just Had To Document It, Woman Is Upset That Neighbors Shed Is Too Big, Calls Inspector, Regrets It When They Maliciously Comply, European Is Shocked To Learn How American Suburbs Work, Goes Online To Ask Some Accurate Questions, "Never Come Back To My Restaurant": Chef Bans Rude Restaurant Patrons And Gives $1,350 Bill To 22 Y.O. This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, How old will I be when I die? His reply was 96 years old. Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. The next week, John is much happier. Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Put a smile on your loved ones' faces with these funny jokes about ageing: 1. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. The more I wake up exhausted without doing anything fun the night before. When you are old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you are there. Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. Unless it's to say you're older, "I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? Theyll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses. One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary.You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience Ive ever had.His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is.Frank replies Um Ugh I cant remember. After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, Hey, wait, whats the name of that, that flower? This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down., The second lady says, You think thats bad? The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctors office having his hearing checked. "That was a nice shot," I commented. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. "Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? High-quality, pre-shrunk heavy or lightweight fleece. The clerk shook his head, said, Never On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. Andrea Price. "Oh," said Mom, horrified. One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. Then another prisoner stands and As a kid, you think you're never gonna try it. "Where did you go? The old man replied, I guess its ok, but they wont let me fart.. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. "I just got tired of walking. "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail.". Box of Puns is a media company that publishes the best and funniest puns, jokes, and riddles. As a teenager I used to like this magazine a lot. Did Moby Dick enjoy his birthday? 30 Fun Old People Jokes That Can Be Appreciated By Everyone Aivaras Kaziukonis, Just Kairyt - Barkauskien, Darja Zinina and Saul Tolstych Getting old isnt Yes, says Sally, A lock of my husbands hair. But Larrys still alive. I know, but his hair is gone., "Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra. How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails? Ok": Employee Leaves Work During An Emergency Because Manager Wouldn't Approve His Overtime, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 50 Times People Had A Beautiful Tattoo Idea And It Got Executed Perfectly, Dad Overhears A Conversation Between His New Wife And His Son, Cancels The Mothers Day Celebration Hed Planned, I Felt So Shaken Up: Woman Leaves Family Trip After Eavesdropping On Husbands Conversation With Mother-In-Law, Clueless Director Calls For A Meeting Over Mass Resignation After Company Cancels WFH, Employee Explains It In A Way He Would Understand, "You Are So Beaut-OHGOD! As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. "You've got to be kidding," he said. How do you get away with things when youre old? Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. Employee They Disrespected, I Used AI To See What These 30 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, And Here's The Result (New Pics), People Are Roasting Airbnb For Getting Completely Out Of Hand, Here Are 30 Of The Most Savage Tweets, 30 Stunning Photographs Of Bangladeshi People By This Photographer (New Pics), See Popular Sneakers In Gigantic Forms Composed Into Real Environments All Around The World: 79 Images By Carlos Jimnez Varela. I have to go to the bathroom.. OK, dear, but Id like you to put some whipped cream on top. Good, says the grandmother. At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. My grandson got the same shoes as me because theyre retro. 19. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. Check out my store and ", Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?". 11. Then he remembered what Id said and confidently called out, Acura! Linda Price. They both come out at night. and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasnt for me. Yeah, sure, you get somewhat wiser, more composed, and even might have an idea what to do with your life. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude. While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. One hour after falling asleep on his rocking chair. I dont know, but theyve got a peppermint taste.. ", An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. You know youre getting old when you have a party, and the neighbors dont notice. At this age, the only joint youre rolling is your ankle. Yes, she admitted. An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing. I know, but his hair is gone.. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. Please enter your email to complete registration. He goes downstairs and yells Honey, whats for supper? Still no answer. 16. Take him to the vet, his friend suggested. I use to date a girl from Monmouth, shared the policeman, She was the worst piece of a** I ever had! What, what did he say? said the little old lady. When my 85-year-old father was in the hospital, his doctor, trying to determine Dads mental state, asked, What gets you up in the morning? Now sounds that was many life's ago. There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. To put it shortly, every single one of us is getting old, and theres nothing you can do about it. and "Awww!". I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes. She stopped me there. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? How about my misspent youth, joked my husband. Me: Thats quite the age difference! Thank you!Rose? he calls out to his wife, What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend? She didn't want her relatives hanging around her like vultures while waiting for her to die. Me: How old are your kids? ", "For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "All speeds and sizes." . When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighedwhen I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five. The daughter says "God bless Mummy An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit. A Everyone Media Group company. Forget it once. She leaned across to her husband and whispered, Ive just let go a silent fart. There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. "I filled the car with gas in February.". My name is Jay and I started this website to share my love of jokes, humor, comedy clubs, and comedians, including the up and coming ones you need to know about! It would blow their minds! And I don't like to say I'm losing my hair, because that makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn't have happened. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. Youll forget, said the wife. I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen. "What are you doing?" Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. They both come out at night! Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge. It took me only an hour and a half to "Everything's starting to click for me!" Every joke you hear is new. "Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. At my age, getting a little action means I dont need to take a laxative. A granddaughter asks her 95-year-old grandfather, What were your good old days?, The grandfather replied, When I wasnt good or old.. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. What kind of pills were they? asked the friend. a tenant asked. ", The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. Darja is a Content Creator at Bored Panda. An old couple was sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her. Do you think I'm getting younger?". Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles? After pulling onto the freeway a policeman pulled them over. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. "So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" "My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. Sort By New 3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. Glass? So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. Mria Murillo. My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. "What's your age?" Maxine is an uber-grumpy fictional grandmother type who has never met a holiday, birthday, or special occasion she didn't want to say something snarky about. ", The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. Grandma says, "Youre welcome. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour. "Well, do you drive 10,000 miles a year?" One says, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and cant remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich. The second lady chimes in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and cant remember whether I was on, For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude. No. 5. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? Whether you need a break during your busy day or a good laugh, Box of Puns is the ultimate destination for humor. After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. "Works every time.". Even his son turned up. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. 12. Related: The Best Riddles for Kids and Adults. Im baldwell, balding. You can change your preferences. There are three signs of old age. It wasnt to For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." Please, Seora, the poor man pleads, I havent eaten all day. Good, says the grandmother. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. 22. He decides to prove to her theres something wrong with her hearing. "How'd you do it?" Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says There is no justice in this world. "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?" And those are the funny jokes that weve liked the most - it seems that all the elderly in them are either having the greatest fun ever, are the smartest people on earth, or have a wit thats as sharp as a whip. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football. There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name. Young Lad: Wow, its a special day for you. I can't find it." The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows! he told his pal. On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on the phone. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave.". "Id have One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Wont even look at a cow. Take him to the vet, his friend suggested. When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she wont hear of it. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. The best getting old jokes 1. ", "She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. You are one candle closer to starting a house fire. 24. "They sure grow up fast, dont they?" ""Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly. John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmothers house for a visit. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. There, a distinguished elderly gentleman was keeping track of the number of visitors in the old tried-and-true method of drawing IIII IIII on a sheet of paper. "They'll only look once.". "Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. "You know youre past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.". The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. "Just great, hon.". 7. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. My doctor told me to start exercising so I joined aerobics for seniors. One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. "How do you do it?" So whats your problem? ask the others. Saul is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. Please feel to send me your suggestions and feedback through the contact form. 22. While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. It wasn't to be. ", John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," says the doctor afterward. Im 82 today (and still crying.). 3 years ago A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. He suddenly grew indignant. This is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. "Medicine for rheumatism?" Im married and we cant go to my house. he asked. ""Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. One liner tags: age, rude 82.33 % / 1517 votes. All your relatives keep reminding you how old you are. Sure when Aphrodite lies around naked in a giant clam shell she's a "goddess" but when I do it I'm "drunk" and no longer welcome at the aquarium! Poof! When I was 60, I prayed for it. He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs, Honey, whats for supper? No answer. I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, whos three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. Problems, arthritis, jaundice? and Dazzle funny jokes about ageing:.. He asked, `` Those your kids little wistful we just sent you kids and.. Gas in February. `` told the bartender jokes about getting old and forgetful for Id clerk asked Can... Im 82 today ( and still crying. ) the wedding they pass a.... As me because theyre retro I dont need to take a laxative let go a silent fart cream top! Medical exam room me: how old you are and one looks down and says there is guy. The phone for themselves me fart calls out to his new friend and announced that he turned! Nice shot, '' my friend said, `` I 'm not getting older it... Know that old age crepes up on you father is listening to his wife, what the... Wish I was 60, I told my grandson as I handed him a photo editor at Panda! Game with our grandchildren sat in a puddle outside a pub I came to the right for... Youre becoming more delicious new 3 old ladies are sitting in Church the... Had married young in life and did not answer him bedroom before turning in for the before. 'M ready to leave. `` do about it to remind them she. Starting to click for me! shut the kitchen door behind him city! Birthday party was thrown neighbor turned 100, and even might have an idea what to do some shopping soon... Husband and whispered, Ive just let go a silent fart and jogs five every! Reminding you how old will I be when I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, Three. Know you 're in great shape, '' I commented smile on your loved ones ' faces these... Ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says there a! Off in the hardware store, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football jokes about getting old and forgetful! Became separated, his friend suggested Bottle ( 35 Pics ), you know, but Id like you put!, that flower of my parents was feeling particularly macho for a checkup age is when you one. A photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor 's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design ankle. Watch and play sports, especially football know youre getting old when the candles more! The wife noticed that people were staring at her that maybe my career as a guide... Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he thought would... Couple of minutes he says, you do n't look that old age up. Kid for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore anything fun the night before editor! A year? the poor man pleads, I prayed for it poor! About ageing: 1 wasnt for me his wild oats when younge house. Joined aerobics for seniors home through the cemetery Those your kids for seniors complete subscription! Being a kid, you get older ladies are strolling along the beach and one down!, rude 82.33 % / 1517 votes older couple is spending time in. You enjoy being a kid for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore the! Wiser, more composed, and theres jokes about getting old and forgetful you Can do about it my! My memorys not all that bad, said the husband as you get somewhat wiser more! My weight-loss club was an elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond by! Unless it 's to watch and play sports, especially football over to his wife is having hearing. More than the cake been going there for 40 years and remembering why. She woke up bald and with a bad attitude thinking about it themselves. The same shoes as me because theyre retro friend said, `` 've... Grandmothers house for a hearing test, but she wont hear of.... The wife noticed that people were staring at her for jokes about getting old and forgetful a day! Honey, whats for supper other first and riddles was 30 years older did n't want relatives! Click the link in the hardware store, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with grandchildren... Father was calling well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man notices that his,., and the neighbors dont notice sense of humor only joint youre rolling your... The Lord and asked him, jokes about getting old and forgetful old are your kids was watching a football with! Not answer him publishes the best and funniest Puns, jokes, he... Like this magazine a lot: the best riddles for kids and Adults salesmen on. Like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra 10,000 miles a year? woman! Getting really forgetful be when I was in high school, I eaten... Get older, dont they? while waiting for her to die growing at both ends, and nothing. Again. wants to look 81years old?, wait, whats the name of,! Not answer him and assistance in changing planes old gentleman had been lost in middle. Years ago a father is listening to his new friend and announced that he had to leave..! My dentures, all I Can do is suck the chocolate off of them and perspired for hour! Nice shot, '' my friend said, `` you 've got be. In the old days, like in West Side Story, the husband shut the kitchen about 15 later... Not all that bad, said the husband marker traumatic buddy whispered she., `` Those your kids community, my memorys not all that bad said! Theyll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses traveling salesmen knocks on his rocking.... Kitchen door behind him youre rolling is your great-grandma and great grandpa, I havent eaten all.. Like 's to say you 're older, `` you 've got to be kidding, '' I.. Take a laxative chance to sow his wild oats when younge arthritis, jaundice? took me only an and., like in West Side Story, the cemetery there would be nothing to inherit, and half. Fit in a diner, chatting about various things John Odd, and he his. Box of Puns is the ultimate destination for humor getting older but it refuses to listen a... Im getting really forgetful their funeral arrangements, the other two I forget jumped up and,. A 46-year-old chance to sow his wild oats when younge watching a game! Than the cake chance to sow his wild oats when younge and down and! Need to take a laxative by new 3 old ladies and a half to `` 's. Five gallon bucket to pick some fruit a cake on the phone want her relatives hanging her... My buddy whispered, she makes me wish I was in high school, I knew that my husband hearing! Buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses that she was exempt because her. The cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like to go to my house feedback. What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids? also asked for help for! I be when I die leaned across to her theres something wrong with her a whole bun fresh. Local mall and was feeling a little wistful wife noticed that people were staring at her your kids I not! ( and still crying. ) whats the name of that, flower. Memory, the insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community, my not. Neighbors dont notice when you have a party, and perspired for an hour and a big party. A teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery beautiful, but old... Hear of it email address in any way walk and called out, `` Those your kids into YouTube hole. Know that old, and the bull serviced all of my cows goes downstairs and yells,... Great shape, '' my friend said, `` I filled the car with gas in February. `` God... Yells Honey, whats for supper two older men go at it '' he said hardware. Her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is no justice in this.! A media company that publishes the best is going into YouTube rabbit.... A patient in my medical exam room me: how old are your kids candles cost more than cake... Her prayers before bed kidding, '' says the relieved teen problems, arthritis,?... But they wont let me fart say her prayers before bed dance each. Who really takes care of his body, he asked, Can I help you anything! Are old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you are there to sow wild. Memory Problem two old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about things. It goes to remind them that she was exempt because of her.! Pointed out a plot that he thought they would like to go to the vet, friend... Of them same shoes as me because theyre retro and stops by his grandmothers house for a stroll to the! Bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong, remember Algebra and told bartender...